Stanley Cup Preview: Part Deux

Posted by Neil in Columns,The HD Corner on May 29, 2009 — 8 Comments

Well, here we are again.  Detroit against Pittsburgh in a battle for hockey supremacy.  Over the coming days you will be bombarded with how these two teams fare against each other in a variety of categories.  Fleury vs. Osgood.  Crosby vs. Hossa.  Malkin vs. Datsyuk.  What you won’t see is how these teams (and respective cities) stack up against each other in various categories that could give a team that extra edge.  Fear not my friends, as I have a provided an analysis of these non-traditional match ups.

Coaching:

Mike Babcock (Detroit) OVER Dan Bylsma (Pittsburgh)

Every time I hear Bylsma’s name all I can think of is a marginal NHL player with even more marginal offensive skills.  But man, can he call a perfect timeout.  With Babcock having a great shot at being behind the bench for Team Canada in 2010, the Pens are severely over-matched in the coaching department.

Team Owner:

Mario Lemieux (Pittsburgh) OVER Mike Ilitch (Detroit)

Little Caesar’s is decent pizza, but I’ve had better.  On a side note, how cool is it that Super Mario has grown a playoff beard?

Best Power Forward:

Johan Franzen (Detroit) OVER Bill Guerin (Pittsburgh)

Franzen has proven that his superior playoff performance last season was no fluke.  Back in the day Guerin was the exact definition of a power forward.  Now he can be considered the exact definition of a geriatric patient.

Unsung Hero:

Brad Stuart (Detoit) OVER Miro Satan

Stuart has elevated his game since Lidstrom went down early in Round #3.  Satan has filled in nicely since being inserted into the lineup for Sykora.  One funny line I heard from a broadcaster while the clip of Satan fighting Patrick Eaves was shown: “Where did Satan learn to fight like that?  The AHL”.  Go ahead, you can use that line at a party this weekend.

Best Skater:

Brett Lebda or Darren Helm (Detroit) OVER Sidney Crosby (Pittsburgh)

While Crosby is a great skater, Lebda’s wheels are second to none, while Helm has proven to be the next Kris Draper.  Let’s just hope he also doesn’t get traded for $1.

Best Hitter:

Niklas Kronwall (Detroit) OVER Brooks Orpik (Pittsburgh)

Both players have walked a fine line with their hits being somewhat questionable, but no doubt Kronwall’s checks have been series changing.  As David eluded to in the “real” preview, just ask Martin Havlat.

Play-by-Play Voice:

Paul Steigerwald (Pittsburgh) OVER Ken Daniels (Detroit)

Steigerwald replaced Hockey Hall of Famer Mike Lange a few years ago on FSN Pittsburgh and hasn’t looked back since.  Although Daniels isn’t bad, he is a bit too much of a Detroit homer for my liking.

Team Mascot:

Iceburgh (Pittsburgh) OVER Al the Octopus (Detroit)

Pittsburgh wins simply because Al is chained up to the roof of at Joe Louis Arena.

Arena:

Joe Louis Arena (Detroit) OVER Mellon Arena (Pittsburgh)

Mellon Arena is a dump, and I’m sure Pens fans can’t wait for the Console Energy Center come 2010.  Also add in the fact that Joe Louis hasn’t sold out corporately yet.

Arena nickname:

The Igloo (Pittsburgh) OVER The Joe (Detroit)

Jean-Claude Van Damme would agree with me.  While we are on the subject, did you know they are making a Universal Soldier 3?  Direct to video, perhaps.

Fan tradition:

Throwing an octopus (Detroit) OVER The White Out (Pittsburgh)

Since Pens fans can’t claim to have started this tradition, the octopus takes the cake.  Did you know that the octopus tradition started in 1952 when a fish merchant threw an octopus on the ice with its 8 legs symbolizing the 8 playoff victories to win the Stanley Cup?  Either did I, until I Googled it.

Famous Local Celebrity:

Demi Moore (Pittsburgh) OVER Tim Allen (Detroit)

I don’t think so Tim.

80s Movie Location:

Robocop (Detroit) OVER Flashdance (Pittsburgh)

Is this even close?

Song Reference:

Detroit Rock City by Kiss OVER Pittsburgh Pennsylvania by Guy Mitchell.

I just can’t bash Gene Simmons.

The Result: Wings in 7

  • Top Cat Blues

    Where do you do your standup routine? I want to be there for the next one. This is great and the perfect counter to the experts blather. Especially mine.

  • Top Cat Blues

    But what about best anthem singer?

  • http://www.illegalcurve.com david

    Nialz very good post but I disagree with ownership. Sure Mario could score a beauty goal from time to time, but how can you argue with a $5 large pizza from Little C’s. Especially of the thin crust variety. I’m looking at you Grand Ledge Little Caesars.

    TCB – i’ve never heard the Pens anthem singer live but Karen Newman, who does the Wings games, is very good.

  • http://www.illegalcurve.com Kyle

    Tim Allen is the best you can come up with for Detroit?

    Ever hear of Motown moran?

    Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Dave Coulier (not really), Madonna or Magnum PI?

    Demi Moore is only famous because she married Kelso.

  • http://www.illegalcurve.com david

    Famous People from Detroit: I would likely have gone with Magnum P.I. over Tim “the toolman” Taylor.

  • Slapshot

    Funny article. Liked the Sudden Death video. Now Hawks vs. Penguins was a great series.

  • Melanie B

    Penguins anthem singer Jeff Jimerson is amazing.

  • breakaway

    I have to agree that Ken Daniels is the BIGGEST homer although oftentimes these guys become like that.